Recall reading’Family Secrets’ by John Bradshaw and in this book he said,”it was and is the parents’ actually lives that educated you: not exactly what they said, but what they did”. I took this to imply that what my parents did was far more significant than what came out of their mouth.
This was something that I had saved in my phone after I started reading the book in 2014, and, after considering the effect that my parents had had on what my relationships were like as an adult, I started to think about this quotation again. However, I didn’t just think about how what they said to me was not as important as how they treated me, however.
What also occurred to me was that how they treated each other was just as important as how they treated me. The concept that I formed of myself was partially defined by how my mother treated my father.
Also, how my parents treated each other played a big role in my idea of what both people were like. Their connection was incredibly dysfunctional, so that they didn’t serve as good role models in this respect.
Full of Conflict
I don’t know what the term is when it comes to the opposite of a soul mate relationship, but this term would have fitted them perfectly. There was no harmony, respect, connection or love; there was just fightingdisagreements and drama.
My father was normally very passive and did what he could to attempt to please my mom, while my mother was normally controlling, cold, and emotionally unstable. After putting up with her control for several weeks, my father would often lose it, and the same pattern would play out again soon after.
Needless to saythey were totally oblivious to the impact that their behaviour was having on my sister and I. Through being about these two people – day in day out, year after year – I ended up coming to believe that men were weak and had no value, and girls were controlling and cold.
And as I was a man and had identified with my dad, it meant that I was weak and had no value. This opinion was compounded by the manner in which my mom treated me – I was generally treated in the exact same way as my dad was.
The Power of Self-Awareness
It was not much of a surprise that I’d go on to have a poor relationship with girls and myself. A big part of me had the need to avoid women and it was common for me criticise myself and to feel totally useless.
Thankfully, I ended up getting into self-development and looking into why I was experiencing life this way. This then gave me the chance to do something about what I had picked up and to slowly redefine myself. I know the guys at Cocoa Raccoon Removal were taught well.